I think I died a long time ago.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
