i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
What did we do last night that was yellow?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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