Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
