There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
