So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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