She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
