Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
