If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
