i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Randomize
