I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
