You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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