that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i've created a new STD.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
