i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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