You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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