I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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