Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
