I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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