I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There are leaves in my underwear?
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