based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
