She's JV to your varsity
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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