I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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