She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
