I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
