Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Randomize
