I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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