Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
