I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
