either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
