so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
