Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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