I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
