So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
