Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
