I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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