I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
