Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
