Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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