A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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