I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She said her name was "party"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
