I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
