I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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