READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
