You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
