Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
