I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
