running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
