so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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