I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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