Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There r osticjed everywhere
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
