You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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