I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
